Saturday, March 29, 2008

Fuck You (the game)

I saw one too many lap dances tonight, in a good way. The sire strikes again, a quick exchange of who knows with the original "Buisness Man", a McApple pie (finally!) and a "W" on the horizon.
Best friday ever?


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tom Tuesdays v3.1 Google Choice: Hardware

Tues (or wed depending on the time i finish this post) March.25(or 26).2008

Well, for a different approach and because Steve dropped a classic already, i decided i would Google the name Tom and blog about the top response. I was a little nervous because I thought maybe Cruise or Hanks would pop up, or maybe even AfterTheJump, which would have made things a little redundant .......Boy was i wrong! The first hit was Tom's Hardware. I hadn't even heard of this place until about 6 minutes ago and, being so unfamiliar with this subject and being much too lazy to familiarize myself, am a little writer blocked. I'll give it my best shot:

Hardware is an online, and maybe even a physical, store which deals in computer components (i smell a coup!) Hardware also contains articles with intensely captivating titles such as:
Can Heterogeneous RAID Arrays Work?
Zotac Jumps The Gun On New Nvidia Hybrid SLI Chipset For AMD
Taiwan DRAM Makers To Start Producing 6F Squared DRAM In H2
and Intel: Skulltrail Supports Crossfire & SLI


Fact: computers are used to blog, these can be purchased at Tom's Hardware

Question: Whats a DRAM?

Fiction: Al Gore invented the internet

Fact: Tom's hardware has competitive pricing and great customer service

Fact: I don't really care about the above fact

Fiction: Tom's hardware, unfortunately, is not a store at which you can purchase equipment used and signed by Tom Cruise while filming MI3.

Fact: If you Google "Google" the first 3 or 4 pages are all links to different Google applications

Fiction: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (no relation to the family depicted in Party of Five)

Their most popular product right now is the GE force 8800 GT video card selling for $209.99
I just ordered 3. Your welcome Carli!

Its too bad Google had to sell out so hard because the second hit was Tom Anderson, the MySpace guy who has over a tribillion friends and loves the smell of warm cum (but not his own), that could have been great. Oh well there's always next Tuesday, maybe i'll try webcrawler.


Tom Tuesdays v3.0:Miller

Football hero, cross dressing sexpot: This week profiled in Tom Tuesdays, none other than my boy wonder younger brother Thomas Martin Gyles Miller. AKA T-mill, tom-bomb, tommy tommy two two.

Born third in a family of four, life was not always easy for the tightly wound volcano known as 'T-Mill'. Whether going head to head with Brent Miller for 22 years or single handily putting an entire high school football team on his back during a mind numbing overtime championship game in '02, he has never flinched in the face of fear.
Tom likes to relax away from the field by listening to remixes and mash-ups of just about any song ever made. You may have comes across his mix cd's released to the public as 'Tom's Tunes: volumes I-VIII'. Led Zeppelin, eat your heart out.
It would be a shame if I didn't mention one of his partner's in crime Jon Bertie, the Birdman. These two having been gambling away money off each other for the better part of 7 years. If that doesn't scream friendship, I don't know what does.
Looking to the future, Tom is getting actively involved in lowering student tuition rates, smoke more butts and calling more bad movies like Hostage starring Bruce Wills one of the best movies of the summer.

Let us tip our hat to Tom!


Things you learn while traveling

Sometimes when people travel, they come to a spiritual awakening, or at least use the traveling as an excuse to fuck alot of people raw dog. I obviously was on a different sort of mission.

First off, yes, I did travel abroad. I went to some place called "Hautstralia", and Haut it was. My friends and I (there was seven of us who went, including our very own testicular wonder - Chris!) learned many things on this trip, most of it was recorded in our 'bible'. I will have more of these pages to post. After reviewing this bible, I would like to think we kept it real, because I don't think our sense of humor has changed one bit since we were 19.

Props to old souls


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Tom Tuesdays (wed. edition) v2.0: Cruise


For anyone of our readers out there who actually know us it must of came as a major shock last week when we unleashed the first "TT" with Hanks. "Hanks!" you must of said aloud. "Did i miss Cruise?" as you poured over our modest archives. "Do i even know these guys anymore? Where the fuck have i been?" as you smashed your fist into your keyboard and threw your wireless mouse across the room. Well the answers are "no", "maybe" and "at a White something or other and stunnas party but obviously not in the corner under the large lion at the back on the right"

The reason we decided to open with Hanks and not Cruise has nothing to do with AIDS, volcanos, volleyballs or Meg Ryan. It has to do with what Tom Cruise does best.....delaying pleasure. If you will look back the infamous scene in Vanilla Sky where David goes with Sofia back to her apartment and they laugh and draw caricatures of each other he doesn't actually sleep with her and leaves her hanging for which she calls him a "Pleasure delayer". So essentially the first Tom Tuesday was about Cruise as is every living day of our lives.

Fact: Tom Cruise was dyslexic, making him the only actor with dyslexia to play both a fighter pilot and a race car driver.

Fact: Tom Cruise not only does all his own stunts but also stunt doubles for Jet Li, Chow Yun Fat, Chun Li from street fighter and pretty much any other acrobatic asian actor you can think of.(except Jackie Chan, Cody Brown does those)

Fact: Cruise in dangerous and unsafe

Fact: Ice melts, Cruise does not.

Fact: Nicole Kidman is a robot Cruise invented because he needed an attractive co-star for Days of Thunder.

Carli on Cruise: "I loved him in Dawson's Creek"

Fiction: Cruise is crazy

Fiction" Cruise is gay

Fiction: Cruise has bad teeth

There have been so many erroneous rumors spread about Cruise it's appalling. When asked in a recent interview what Cruise thought about some of these rumors Cruise replied " You don't have time to think up there. If you think, you're dead."
Truer words? not possible. If you let the rumors get to're dead. Thanks for the advice Tom, it could one day save my life.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Push Back


I know you're all hoping for the second edition of "TT" but at this moment in time i feel it would be unfair to attempt it. I am very exhausted after am incredible trip east and don't have the stamina to produce anything worthwhile. I have been mentally drafting (like Jay Z does with his raps) and will post "TT" tomorrow. Sorry for the let down but i'll try my best to make it worth the wait. Thanks again to all the guest bloggers on Saturday!

Until tomorrow


Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Bridge Over River Vagina

3:59- It looks like the end, its down to the final 8. This has been an amazing evening full of beautiful moments and blossoming friendships. I am proud to have been a part of the "Party Blog" and excited about the future possibilities this has opened up for us. I'd like to thank everyone who was a part of this (alphabetically): Carli (so gorgeous), Hannah the Quasi African, Jamie "The Legend" Thomas, Jordan Glengarry Synopsis Sodomsky, Kevin "Munich" Minuk and the Triple M: Mysterious Max, Mighty Pretty Merrill Moskal and Million Dollar Myles. Of course the regular contributers,Kev,Steve and myself are thanked as well and extremely honoured to have worked with such creative individuals. This was a real success!

Good Morrow Cuz and Good Night


How do you know when its 3:30am?

Basically when the statement of "thunder rolls" being called the best song of all-time, its time to start kicking people out.

P.S. I just had a JT sighting....He walked towards the kitchen, gave us a courtesy two step, and is taking requests from the ipod....Kevin has requested something sonically, genuinely comforting.....non-scenically, This request was responded with "the knife".

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Oops v.2

The editorial board wishes to retract one point from the Hannah Sider profile. We erroneously stated Hannah drinks white wine - it was gin in a wine bottle.

just so you know

the last post is the BIGGEST load of bullshit i have EVER read in my life... .kthnx
LOVE you max, seriously... & michael jordan haha

Hannah on Max (weird?)

Hannah Sider, former "It Girl", has officially been upstaged. "Who is Max?" asks Hannah, sipping on a bottle of white wine concealed by an LCBO paper bag. "Dear Max - fuck you" states Hannah. "Are you a Nazi?", asks our interviewer Chris Gama. "No" replies Hanna, obviously lying. New it-boy Max as a leading man? "Fuck no" replies Hannah, slurring her speech. "Max is cool" says Hannah - the sarcasm drips off her words. Hannah retires to the washroom - "typical" replies her PR representative. "How old are you?" asks Gama, upon her return. "16" is the curt response. "I didn't get into architecture" states Hannah, sipping on her bottle - "so fuck you, I'm in fashion". "I am constantly fighting racists at Ryerson" elaborates Sider, "Africans seem to have it in for me - are they even citizens?" Are they indeed, - classic provocation from the volatile Sider. "I love blood diamonds" - it's clear she does, draped in exploitative sparkling eye-candy. "I've gotten down with numerous UN diplomats" concedes Sider - obviously proud. "Diplomats ball" explains Hannah, "what's done is done". "I don't consider Michael Jackson a human-being" blurts out Sider unexpectedly - "I'm blacker than Lady Sovereign". These sorts of outbursts are common. Sider is volatile, her eyes are glassy, her tongue is sharp. Our interviewer struggles to regain his composure. "I have AIDS - but its not like I tell people" states Sider, bravely. "I laugh at legal trouble - its like 'What the fuck?'" She has been indicted in seven provinces and is facing charges in both Nebraska and Wyoming related to her 17 day methamphetimine bender in January. "Hilarious" concludes Sider, finishing her second bottle of shiraz. "Magic Johnson," asks our interview, "or a Michelle Pfieffer's vagina?" "I've fucked both" laughs Sider - she is clearly joking, but whom is the joke upon?

Interview transcribed by Jamie Thomas

So much Fleetwood. Is it too much?

Its. 1:47 a.m. and we're still listening to Fleeties.
This live blog is amazing.

A few observations:
1. some people dont like cupcakes - what idiots.
2. some people dont lock the door to the bathroom, and then presume it to be your onw fault should you open an unlocked door, revealing their peener or nagiger.
3. Mer likes to boogie.
4. Jamie is twitcie most days, mainly tonight, I dont know why. Maybe they shouldn't be outside on the balcony so often.
5. some people make blog lists for no real reason....simply beacuse they want to blog. Like now? Not really.
6. Some girls who just turned 21 are fuckin babe gear.

I've abandoned my child

This post is a re-iteration of a previous blog - see below. Worthwhile, though non-the-less. It's like k peace.

how a "real" woman pees;

1) unbutton your pants, or begin to pull down your tights.
2) bend with the motion so that you conceal the fact that your are removing your clothing
3) pee, straight down, any real woman knows what this entails
4) at this time you will be concealing your "naughty bits" while also heeping all lurkers at bay.
5) if you can't pee subtely in public, you are not a real woman and your are DEFINTITELY not from Victoria Beach.
p.s i dont understand this blog ... MJ a ttribute... im down... i guess
Chris: " Merr, this blog is titled "after the jump". The man was added after the fact because the "after the jump" url wasn't available. We love Mj though and is a story for a separate blog. I've had great time blogging with you Merr, i hope we can do this again soon!"
Hi V Kisses xoxoxoxo


Merr - man

12:36 - Merrill, the greatest double consonant girl of all time! Here we go.....
Chris: "Merrill, what are you thoughts on this party?"
Merrill: "you know chris, there was a lot of drinking involved, cool people, interesting conversations, but i really would love to get manos and carli in a room alone...."- my moms obsessed with fois gras..."
Chris: " Why would you like to see Car in a room with another man? I am quite angry about this! You just told me a rude comment about a certain St Mary's girl! I won't tell. Your turn"
Merrill: "well i am wearing thigh highs chris, one step above st. marys steeeeee, carli in a room with any guy, HOT! dont be offended chris be honored... as we discussed before carli is a medical miracle, hot and sexy! my turn, toronto clinton wuuuddduppp!


12:30 - Well its after midnight, this has been a terrific journey and I would love to thank everyone who has contributed. Your efforts are appreciated! The party is slowly decreasing but the people who remain still have a lot to offer. Stay tuned for some closing posts. Thanks for joining us tonight!

(I love ! marks)

the witching hour

cue the good times


Ok. So now I'm 21.
It's so great. I'm going to the cheese-cake factory in Buffalo.
- Carli

the power of retrospect


markham tans?


snow reflects, light burns/makes my skin darkish





i got it, it's all good... no worries friends




hey it's hannah... somebody just kinda handed me the computer, probably not the best idea considering the ammount of vodka i've consumed but don't worry - if the computer breaks then i'll blame it on merrill, also known as murphy hahahahaha
so yeah i'm just chilling here on the bed and everyone is trying to look over my shoulder and i'm like fuck no i'm writing a blog y'all better RECOGNIZE
i'm going to find a sweet picture to post because what blog is complete without one?



Breaking News

Merrill and Kevin have made remarkable progress into a new found friendship


Grit-tequette: when a bro is hackin a grit, never leave his side, even if you dont enjoy journeys into the flavour cunt-ry

Here we are... 10.00 PM....

In the vain of the hipster crowd, I'll defer to the fact that we've been relegated to the far room of the joint. Inasmuch as we're the outcasts, ironically we fit in to the larger demographic of the population at large. None of us possess the requisite irony to have been setup as the larger background to a clearly lower East side blow-fest, and yet, all the while, still recognize the inane backdrop of what is turning out to be a microcosmic view of what may be a SPIN contributor party. We'll continue to drink until this all makes sense while Mel Gibson, Alec Baldwin, and Jack Lemmon provide a larger understanding of what we believe is the all-important.



sorry everyone, were going for a grit break.


The begining of a culture

Hey about bout them gieco caveman? dare we say the first jews in existence? anything to save $200 a month on car insurance.




Hey, give that back!

East side blog it out

10:12 - Things have started to pick up, there are a few new arrivals and the introduction of the nigga kingdom. This is getting big.

How to take credit for a song selection

Don't you love when, you choose just the sweetest song to set the mood at a great party, and you slowly walk away giving devil horns and saying out loud "yea! that was me yo!"

It also helps when people acknowledge that it happens

Winnipeg South Blues

In recents news, the Winnipg South Blues in an effort to rekindle the magic of the past have offered Jamie Thomas, a former "sniper", a position as Physical Trainer/Team Councellor for the upcoming 08-09 season

How Steve Miller Goes Pee

1. sit down, because you have a vagina.

the proper way to pee

A quick tutorial on how to pee if your a man.

1. approaoch toilet
2. pull pants down to ankles
3. pull out out johnson and pee
4. give it a couple tugs to get semi-hard
5. walk away

3rd place you're fired

9:13 - White Town in Black Face = The greatest party concept of all time.
Steve smoke count: 2.

where are my friends?

It's 9:10 on the dot. I've finished my second cocktail. On any normal night I would have only had one by now, however, this is my party (and I'll barf if I want to). Oh. This is Gama's ho right now. Anyhow, I'm scared that something bad is going to happen. Maybe someone will drink too much and fall off my balcony. Maybe someone will steal my clothing (most of which I don't actually "own" [see: wear/return on my blog]. Maybe someone will play Eminem too loud, and laugh at the lyrics, claiming they're 'just so good'. Oh wait. That already happened.
Nevertheless, the night is about to unfold, and who can really be sure what the evening might bring? My hope? Everyone has fun. Steve gets some pussy. And Minuk doesn't offend one of my gay friends.

*please click my link. selfless plug.

Also, I have so many treats on the table, so I am a good host, Steve George Gyles.

Looky what me found....

The lengths men go for love
Ted loves Whoopie

I abandoned my CHILD

no matter what happens, when partying, do NOT abandon your boys!

Party in Black Face

This is becoming a slippery slope

The art of titty suckin'

"I'll suck on those untill the cows come home"
Kevin A. The summer of '01

Me Speaka no englias

"And a blowjob while i take a deuce" Steven Q Miller


8:30 - Fleetwood Mac has begun.


"Everytime your with a hooker, its a history lesson"
- Chris. 8:09pm

This is a party?

7:57 - This party has really plateaued. Carli's hosting skillz are coming into question.

Late night prediction: Someone receives a blow job while taking a dump. I have a feeling in my gut about it.

Hov did that

7:48 - The music is so dope, JD Jay Z Money Ain't A........... Car is looking BAPE fresh yo!!

Chris's Girlfriend is 2 Cute

Carli is the best host ever. She's been soo sweet and 2 cute since we landed yesterday morning. We love you. Obviously. You're the best in the whole wide world!

Party Blog!

The Bros. our pleased to announce our first ever live party blog!

Basically, the Bros. are all in Toronto celebrating the child of divorce's birthday, and to document this potentially 'great' event, we will be entering numerous blog posts throughout the night. Stay tuned.

7:40pm - Pizza has arrived. It turns out all the Bros. enjoy pep pizza. smiles ensue.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Further Inspiration

Kev's brilliant post reminded me of another quote spawned from one of the final scenes of Philly, D.O.F. (pronounced dawwf). This saying got us through some intense times in Edmonton including a terrifying fire scare in the hotel. Lets just say someone had a serious case of GAIDS and was acting like a huge DOF while trying to cook a pizza.

Something to add...

about the genius role Hanks played in Philidelphia. I know my bros will back me when I say that the day we came to realize the unification of two words, 1. GAY 2. AIDS forming GAIDS , would play a big inspirational role for us for a period of time. This all wouldn't have been possible without Tom.

Heres some french Aids ads to raise some awareness.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tom Tuesdays v1.0: Hanks

Welcome to the very first edition of an ongoing (hopefully) segment here at AfterTheJump entitled Tom Tuesdays. Today, Tuesday March 11 2008, we will be profiling one of the greatest actors of our generation Tom Hanks.

Thomas Jeffrey "Tom" Hanks was born on the ninth of July, 1956 in presumably, judging by his unwavering confidence on and off screen, a fighter jet above the mountains of Kilimanjaro. Most of Toms bio can be found here, what we will be giving you is some little known facts about Hanks. I hope you all will find a deeper appreciation for Thomas Jeffrey after reading this, I know I have.

Tom Facts:

1) Tom Hanks has actually won the Oscar for best actor over 15 times. Including a win for Money Pit.

2) Tom Hanks played the negro character along side Jackie Chan in the Rush Hour series of films. His black actor pseudonym is Chris Tucker not to be confused with the Chris Tucker who starred in the film Friday. It is just a coincidence they look alike.

3) Tom was breast fed by Marylin Monroe for three weeks while his parents were vacationing in Cuba

4) Tom Hanks wrote a series of horror novels for adolescents entitled Goosebumps which went on to become a fairly successful television program among the 10 to 14 year old bracket of viewers. His author alias is R.L. Stine.

5) Tom Hanks once beat Cody Brown (whom we will be introducing in the near future) in a 39 hour heads up match of texas hold'em. He ended up winning one of Cody's four cabins and the underwear model contract Cody was under with Calvin Klein. Tom donated the winnings to Ashton Kutcher in agreement he never got "Punk'd".

6) In researching the role of Andrew Beckett in the film Philadelphia, Tom spent three weeks in Africa fucking monkies. This led to his interest in the role of Bubba in the initial script for Forrest Gump, since Tom had yet to develop his Chris Tucker persona he was left no choice but to settle for the role of Forrest (one of the few roles he did not win an Oscar for, the Oscar going that year to Keanu Reeves for his disturbingly vivid portrayal of Officer Jack Traven in the film Speed 1).

I'm sure my partners here at ATJ will have some moving and inspiring Tom Hanks tales to add to share with us. Thank you for joining us at the inaugural edition of Tom Tuesdays!

Good Night


Monday, March 10, 2008

Sorry Chris...

I can't find a picture of Stephen Hunt, but I found this really old document from the archives.

A continuing series of important classic and contemporary films on DVD

Has Scott Johnson freely admitted to have cried to this movie? check

Was it said to help his chances of fooling around with a girl? check

Did he deny fooling around with the chick the next day? check

For Love. For Honour. For Mankind.

#40 on your Criterion Collection list - Armageddon


Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Business Man!!!

I couldn't actually find a picture of Steve Hunt so i had to improvise, if someone can help me out in the pic department please do.

He is not your ordinary man, his handsomely athlectic upper body rests upon a pair of unrivaled thunder thighs which would make even Big Ash jealous. Steve loves guitar (he's a lefty!) and has a real passion the sport of soccer. We think he travels and as far as i know is still working for Half Pints brewery. Steve Hunt is a walking miracle and a real life hero, he survived a ten story swan dive from an apartment building balcony saving a young child from a horrific fire........I think. Stephen Hunt is many things to many people but a consistent friend he is not (this isn't a dig at Hunt we've all come to expect this of him and it is a unique attribute we've all come to love). Steve loves to befriend us for short bursts of time every two years or so, for these brief weeks or even days the friendship is enjoyable, full of genuine laughter and, unfortunately, quite misleading (every time this happens we think its for good and EVERY time we are wrong). I like to call Steve a "wind sprint friend" not only for his speed on the track but also for the quick yet intense friendship he brings us every once in while. He is the man who has brought us the "Sire Squire" routine which in turn led to the brilliant (and one of the most memorable moments of my life) roundtable at Steve's house. This particular roundtable brought us as a group closer than we've ever been and it also led to one of Jeff's most apt nicknames; Squire Hrushie. He also started the "Random Gunshots to the Head when you're really stoned" and the "Businessman". When Steve is around us we seriously feel like we're floating, like a giant weight has been lifted........... the weight of reality. Thank you Steve, i look forward to our next "wind sprint" in the autumn of 08!

Good Night


He's Kind Of A Big Deal

Seriously, honestly, basically I love you.
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Your my favorite world traveller, poet, alpha male, wine connoisseur, film/music critic, and bartender. You will party with me to the very end and will show no hesitation in whatever drink or chemical comes our way. You will also be the one who I can rely on to pick me up the next morning and get me to school on time. Your able to balance all these things and still bring an array of solid low-post moves. Fuck the Zig-Zag Fist and fuck Mark's Treadmill. We are talking about a Great Man.

Oh, there's no way in hell Cam is getting me to school on time. But there's also no way I'm passing on a chance for another car write-off.


Monday, March 03, 2008

A friendly face

This is my friend Jeff 'Rigs Steele' Hrushka.
He has a great love for the simple things in life like camping, growing pot in his family room and of course, cooking (especially penne pasta!).
If you can't find him studying at the Bar I patio in the spring/summer, you probably haven't looked hard enough.
Don't be afraid to say hi if you see him!


Gay Icon Spotlight

Over the years there has been many of gay icons. Judy Garland, Oscar Wilde, Miss Piggy and Jake Gyllenhaal. At this point your probably thinking, what is the criteria to be a gay icon? Well first, there is one thing that you don't need to qualify, and that is BEING gay.

Its 4 easy questions:

-Do they have glamour and flamboyance?

-Do they possess strength through adversity?


-Ambiguous sexuality

So without further ado, the first gay icon spotlighted:

Longtime radio and TV personality Larry King!

Does he have glamour and flamboyance?
Larry was a judge for the 1990 Miss America pageant. As well, has an extensive set of suspenders, and yes, even purple ones!

Do they possess strength through adversity?
Larry's father died when he was nine. This caused King to lose great interest in school, pick up smoking, and start scribbling hearts and stars on his notebooks. this raised many questions in 1945 Brooklyn.

Larry was portrayed as the ugly step-sister in the film "Shrek 2". He also always expressed interest in playing the lead in the Broadway production of 'Pink Flamingos' because he got off on the final act.

Ambiguous sexuality?
King's defense after being caught having an affair with a married woman?
"In my defense I did not know she was married and I did not know that it was a woman."


Sunday, March 02, 2008

I wish girls could spell

So it looks as if a rivalry has developed in the blog world. We at ATJ have been publicly slandered by another blog and we will not take this lying down. It would wound us deeper if said blogger knew how to spell. According to her i have a habit of moving bowls on Sunday mornings. I'm not quite sure what this means, perhaps Sunday mornings i move bowls from my dishwasher to the cabinets or maybe i move bowls from the table to the sink, either way its not a big deal (maybe if someone had paid closer attention to the post they would have realized the word used was BOWEL, maybe the fashion glasses are malfunctioning) . I'm just here to say we at ATJ will never stoop to the low levels certain bloggers will and are here to provide truth and positivity. Thank you and good night.

Edit: After reading this post and feeling quite embarrassed Carli has gone ahead and corrected her spelling error but we all know the truth.